Letting Go
by Jixie
Summary: What happened to Subaru and Tokaki after the Suzaku seishi left?
1. Default Chapter

Letting Go 

I read at Fushigiyuugi.com that Subaru's real name is Hamu Dourin and Tokaki's real name is Hamu Ranva. The page said "I guess their names are" so it may not be correct. Semi spoilers for Subaru and Tokaki (episodes 41 - 45). Fushigi Yuugi copyright to Watase Yuu. Story copyright to Jixie. Wed, June 21, 2000.   
  
  
  


- Letting go - 

It was hard to breathe. So hard. 

Laying sprawled out on the ground, she glared coldly at the sky. The sky with the heavens, where they where watching. The Gods, watching their little people run around and kill themselves, what did they think? They where so powerful... why didn't they help? They never helped. They just sat and watched and let their people fight and hurt and die. 

It was probably not good to feel angry at one's God when one's life is slipping away, but she couldn't help it. Turning her head slowly- ignoring the throbbing and stabs of pain as she did- and looked over at him. Dark skin and a handsome face framed by long silver hair... she sighed. 

If anything, she wished he could live. It would be good to have both of them living together, but if that was too much, than it would be enough just to have him go on. 

He must of heard her sigh- how, she didn't know- because he reached out one hand towards her. His fingers came inches from her faces as he tried to find her. She pulled forwards so that he touched her forehead. 

"Subaru?" 

He may have looked young, but his voice gave away his old age. And he spoke unusually loud, confirming her thoughts. When you can't hear what you're saying, you speak louder than normal. 

"Hai, Tokaki. Daijoubu ka?" 

No reply. She took a deep breath and winced as she did. 

"Hai, Tokaka! Daijoubu ka!?" 

He grinned- that coy grin that was his trademark expression. "Daijoubu, Subaru-chan. What about you?" 

"I'm fine too!" 

"Great! If we only rest for a few minuets longer we can get back home before Xi Fang gets too worried." 

That hurt. It hurt more than the physical pain. She knew- and she knew that he knew- that in a few minuets they wouldn't be going anywhere anymore. She had known, as had he, when they lied to the young Suzaku seishi, telling them they'd be fine. "Our life span is longer than we had thought!" they had told them. Lies. 

It was getting harder to breath, and her bones felt like the wouldshatter any second. The sky had already lost its color, and she could no longer make out Tokaki's face. 

"Subaru-chan!" 

It was also harder to hear him. 

"Nani?" 

"You look so beautiful! I like lying here and looking at you..." 

He couldn't see anything at all. She knew it. He was aging faster than she was. Her powers would be sure of that. 

And although it made everything more painful, she continued to keep the outside of their bodies young. Inside, everything was coming to a stop, but she saw no reason they should die in their old forms. Best to die looking young, she decided. 

"...So beautiful..." he was murmuring to himself now, his tone getting softer. She closed her eyes, darkness replacing the grey blurs. 

His hand was still on her head, and she reached and placed her hand on the side of his face. 

Wet. 

It was then she let go, and tears ran down her own face. She stopped trying. Stopped trying to keep the two of them alive longer than she could, stopped trying to keep them young, stopped trying to stay in her dying body. 

She let go, and the pain started to ease. Slowly at first, then faster, just like it had come. Soon she didn't feel the pain at all, and only felt warmth. Warmth that wrapped itself around her, that made her forget. 

She panicked. She didn't want to forget! She didn't want-- 

Where was Tokaki!? 

And then, everything was calm again. He was there, he was there with her. 

Visions flashed before her eyes as she started to remember. Remember everything.   
  
  
  
    "Ohayo~o, Suba-chan! How are YOU this fine morning?"     "Go away, Tokaki. You're drooling on me.     "Nani? Come on, Suba-chan, I just want to be friends with you, see?"     "Why don't I believe you?" 

    "Suba-chan! Are you okay!?"     "Ha... Hai, I'm fine."     "Damn! You scared us. Don't try that again!"     "Oh? Why should I listen to you?"     "Su-ba-ruuuu!" 

    "I... I love you."     "No you don't. You just want to get me in bed with you."     "That's not true! All my life... all my life I've just seen girls as  
things to look at and touch and chase after, but I... they weren't  
people. They where just women, just things. But you, you're different.  
You've shown me that... women are more than just pretty objects. They  
feel and think and..."     "Think? You're admitting to the intelligence of the female side?"     "Well... yes. In fact, you're smarter than some men I know."     "Sugoi! YOU, thinks I'M smarter than some men? How do I know this isn't  
some flattery you're making up to get a peek at my-- UMPH!"     "....."     "To... Toka...ki...?"     "I love you, Subaru. I love you." 

    "You WHAT!?"     "I want to marry you! Why do you think that's such a bad idea?"     "Well, because a man like you could never settle down! Even if you don't  
leave me, you'll be sneaking looks at any girl you come across."     "And you'll smack me silly till I learn not to."     "True, but a man like you is just to lively. You'll keep me up all night  
and I'll never get any work done!"     "Subaru!"     "It's true. What'll you do if we have children?"     "I don't know!"     "See? You never plan ahead. Do you want children?"     "I guess.."     "There! What if I'm barren? You'd miss out on that. Are you willing to  
chance that, huh?"     "Yes! Subaru, stop being so skeptical. I love you, remember? Or did you  
forget that quickly? I want to live with you for the rest of my life. So what do you  
say?"     "You're not going to leave me alone until I give you an answer you want,  
will you?"     "Yep!"     "Ugh, men..." 

    "Tokaki!? TOKAKI!!!"     "Heh... don't worry... Suba-chan... it's just a scratch."     "Stupid! Stupid, stupid man! You'll die, do you understand? You'll be  
dead like Toroki and Kokie!"     "Nah, not me. I'm too strong for that!"     "Tokaki... please, be more careful."     "You worried about me?"     "Yes."     "Awww, Suba-chan! I told you, I'll be fine. I gotta come back in one  
piece for my wife, na?"     "I'M NOT YOUR WIFE!!!" 

    "Subaru."     "Tokaki."     "I... you're not in pain or anything, are you?"     "No, of course not. Amefuri's a good doctor."     "Yea, I know."     "You sure would... are... did that wound finish healing?"     "Hai."     "That's good."     "Douran?"     "N... nani?"     "That's you're real name, isn't it?"     "Yes."     "Can I... do you mind if I call you that?"     ".... No, no I don't mind. What's your--"     "Hamu Ranva."     "Ah." 

    "You owe me one! Haha!"     "I guess I do. What do you want? Something perverted, I bet."     "Marry me!"     "NANI!?"     "Come on Suba-chan... you know you want it as much as I do!"     "I. Do. NOT!!"     "ITAI~~I!!!!" 

    "Tokaki!"     "Na?     "Ano... Tokaki... I you still want, I'll marry you as soon as Suzanu's  
made her wishes."     "YEEES! Score one for the cool guy!"     "You mean, score one for the SICK PERVERT."     "Eh heh heh..."   
  
  
  
The warmth was now not just surrounding her, but was filling her all inside. She let it slip into every corner and crevice of her mind, waking up memories and thoughts and feelings, stealing them away as it did. Soon there would be nothing, nothing but the wonderful warmth and him. Wherever they went to next, she knew she would find him. She didn't have to worry about if she remembered him or not. 

Silently thanking Byakko, she let go. 

  
  



	2. To Hold on For

- To Hold On For -   
  
The stars flickered across the sky, small white lights scattered against the endless black. Subaru blew out her candle and twirled a blade of grass in her hand, enjoying the peace. That day had been pure chaos, and it was nice to have some quite time.   
  
It was not to last. She scowled as Tokaki walked up and then flopped down next to her. The lantern that he carried swung around wildly, the flame flickering about.   
  
"What do you want now?"   
  
He gave her his trademark grin, shrugging. "I was wondering what you where up to."   
  
Subaru flicked the piece of grass into his face. He blinked a few times then chuckled. "Well, you don't have to be so rude about it."   
  
"Yes I do. Why are you here? To get on my nerves?"   
  
"Naw, not this time." He scooted over closer to her. "I realized something that I've gotta tell you."   
  
It was her turn to blink. "What would that be?"   
  
Tokaki laughed, and rubbed the back of his head with one hand. "Well, umm.."   
  
"Well?"   
  
"I... I love you."   
  
She couldn't believe it. He had to be lying, there was no way Tokaki could feel that way about anyone.   
  
"No you don't. You just want to get me in bed with you."   
  
"That's not true!" he protested. "All my life... all my life I've just seen girls as things to look at and touch and chase after, but I... they weren't people." His voice broke off for a moment, and he looked at her sternly. "They where just women, just things. But you, you're different. You've shown me that... women are more than just pretty objects. They feel and think and..."   
  
"Think? You're admitting to the intelligence of the female side?" This was getting more unreal by the moment. The words where ones she never, not once, expected to hear from Tokaki. And yet, she couldn't shake the fact that he sounded sincere about it.   
  
"Well... yes. In fact, you're smarter than some men I know."   
  
That was it. He had to be lying. She laughed, shaking her head. "Sugoi! YOU, thinks I'M smarter than some men? How do I know this isn't some flattery you're making up to get a peek at my-- UMPH!"   
  
Her sentence was cut off as he leaned forward and brought his mouth to hers.   
  
"....."   
  
He had kissed her many times before. But this was different.   
  
This was real.   
  
They broke off, and he pulled away slowly. She started to shiver slightly, unable to take her eyes off him.   
  
"To... Toka...ki...?"   
  
Subaru found it impossible to describe what she was felt then. Fear. Hate. Want. Love.   
  
"I love you, Subaru. I love you."   
  
She didn't know what to say, but she knew what her answer was. Moving closer to him, she put her arms around his shoulders and buried her face into his hair, and made a decision.   
  
Even if things didn't work out at first, or it was hard for both of them, she would hold on. She would hold on for all it was worth. With Tokaki in her arms and his silver hair against his skin, she knew it was enough. It was enough to hold on for.   
  
Fushigi Yuugi copyright Watase Yuu. Written by Jixie July 14 2000. 


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